Life Amongst Chaos

Head case

I’ve restarted this post like 5 times. I can’t get it worded right. I need to explain my head and hopefully figure out what I need to get it straight. 

My daddy is dying. Sometimes I can handle and process this. Lately I cannot. Because I can’t process this, I can’t keep my other neuroses in check. So my social/stranger anxiety is blowing up. What does this mean? It means that I can’t tell who wants me around and who doesn’t, so I assume no one does, and when no one checks in then it just reaffirms my head case. I don’t know how to handle crowds, make phone calls to strangers, ask for help, or be anything other than a wallflower. Lately, that wallflower doesn’t leave the house. 

 

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August 29, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Help

Doctors office waiting rooms freak me out. Of course doctors freak me out. I’m sitting here waiting on a doctor I have never met to come and push a button and help me get better. And I’m scared. And as nervous as hell. I don’t want to be here. But I need to.

August 29, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Obsessions

I have an obsession. Well actually I have several. Lately, I have been focused on nail polish as a way of distracting my head. And for months, it worked. I bought new polishes, I played around with colors and glitters, I read blogs on colors coming out or techniques, I try new styles and change it up every few days. Its made life more tolerable. It worked as a great stress relief, distraction. But lately – I just don’t care. I paint my nails so they aren’t naked. And so most people don’t think anything is wrong. But I don’t care. 

I turned to painting my nails today. In one of the most complicated styles I’ve done in a long time. Purely to attempt to distract myself from the stupidness of actually trying to find a doctor to help me. I have mental health benefits through my insurance. But there are ZERO doctors within a 30 mile radius that are in network. That’s a big giant bunch of stupid. I’ve gotten to the point where I know I need help. And I can’t get it. 

August 14, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Not ready for this

My little girl is going into first grade in the morning. I’m not sure how this happened.

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August 13, 2012 Posted by | family life | Leave a comment

And then you know

Sometimes you realize that things may not be ok when you are standing in Wallyworld, staring at racks of school supplies, and crying because you can’t find Ticonderoga brand #2 pencils in the 12 count, sharpened, box.
As a side note, school supply lists are the devil. I’ve never seen Prang brand glue sticks, so I’m pretty sure I can’t find 10 of them.
I’m normally pretty calm. I don’t exhibit emotion. It’s one of my crazy rules. There are private emotions (mostly anything negative: anger, tears, frustration) and there are public emotions (mostly positive ones: happiness, joy, anything calm). Some part of my mind decided long ago to keep those very separate and I work very diligently to maintain the division.
And yet I still found myself in tears that I could not control, staring at school supplies. And I was arguing with them.
If I had been able to pull myself together and function normally after that, I wouldn’t be writing this. But I can’t. I can’t pull it together. It’s 3 days later and I’m still bursting into tears for any slight thing. Something has to be done.

August 11, 2012 Posted by | head case | Leave a comment

Once Upon a Cop Car

Peacefully driving down the street, singing along to Somebody That I Used to Know (honestly, not singing but speaking the words lyrically) without many cares in the world, until I drive past a police car. All of a sudden my whole world stops.
I wasn’t speeding was I? Well maybe I was going 5 over. They wouldn’t pull me over for 5 miles over, would they?
Then you start to second guess everything.
Is he following me? How long does it take for them to decide if they are going to pull you over? Should I turn down this street? Can I get home by going down this road? If I get pulled over I’m dead…
If I was an awesome driver who never ever went over the speed limit, I’d probably still have the same panic every time I drive past a police car.

August 10, 2012 Posted by | random | 1 Comment

Reasons

I struggle with self esteem. I always have. It plays out like a constant falling flower petal in my head.
I have these crazy rules and ways to decide if people like me.
* I can’t friend people on Facebook. If they like me they will friend me.
* The best way to fit in is to be quiet. Listen, laugh appropriately, have witty story but only if you know it is a fabulous story (which I think most of mine aren’t)
* Don’t invite yourself anywhere. It’s rude.
* Being early is horrible idea. Oh and always bring something when arriving at someone’s house.
* Don’t call. Don’t start a text conversation. It’s needy. Oh, but it is better to have a conversation by text message so you can think before you speak.
* Think before you speak. Make sure the emotion you are displaying is the correct one. (I struggle with empathy.)

Shit. I’m sure this list can go one for pages. I’m know the boy has more he can add about my quirks. All I want is to feel like I fit in. And it’s the one thing I doubt I will ever do. At least it’s hard to be among others when I’m feeling two foot small.

August 10, 2012 Posted by | head case | Leave a comment

So I can’t relax

A couple of weeks ago I got a massage. I don’t get them often because I can’t really afford them. And because I somehow turn what should be soothing, relaxing event into a mental battle. A mental battle full of emotional turmoil and debate. I’m not good at explaining, so I’ll just give you a moment to take a trip inside my head.

Scene: I’m laying in a darkened room listening to some supposedly soothing music waiting on “Megan” the masseuse to come in.

Ok, Erin its time to relax. This is a massage. Stop thinking and just relax.

Ok Erin, its Megan. Are you ready? Just let me know if the pressure is too much.

You are fine. The pressure can never be too much.

Alright, I’ll begin now.

This should be good. Massages feel really good on my back. Oh ow that kinda hurts. I probably can’t tell her that after I just made a big deal about how she can’t possibly use too much pressure. Ok, back to the relaxation game. Focus on the music. Empty your mind and just relax. I wonder if I’m supposed to vocalize my appreciation. You know, I really don’t know how to make sounds. It just sounds kinda funny. I don’t really make much noise in bed either. Wonder if that is something I can work on. I mean I am appreciative. And it does feel really good. So why can’t I just moan. Not the point, Erin. You are supposed to be trying to relax.

Right so that was all of 10 seconds. I spent 60 minutes trying to chase my mind into slumber. Why is it that my mind wont turn off? And why can guys minds just flip off so easily?

 

June 20, 2011 Posted by | head case | Leave a comment

Missing my Internet

I never thought I was addicted to the internet. I’ve heard of crazy people who can’t go without the Internet for a day. They need that constant connection, that need for instant feedback, the high that comes with high speed downloads….
I’ve been without real internet for a week. I’ve had Internet on my phone, but not in the house. This is tragic. We don’t use cable or satellite. All our tv watching is from Netflix or Hulu. No Internet means no tv. No tv means that the kids run crazy and I have no break…. I know, poor mommy.
End conclusion: I’m dependent on Internet. Is dependent the same as addicted?

May 19, 2011 Posted by | random | Leave a comment

Something smells fishy

I don’t eat fish. I never have. There is a possibility it is a texture thing. I mean have you ever really examined fish after its cooked? The thing falls to pieces. And not the nice falls to pieces that a good smoked brisket does. Fish is flaky and has these tiny little bones in that you can never get out until you actually put it in your mouth. Have you seen those bones? No. Because they look like flexible glass shards in your food.

Honestly though, I think my dislike of fish stems from my mom chasing me around the house with dead fish heads. Making them talk to me. Imagine, if you will, being 6 years old and seeing this coming at you…. with your mom laughing….

So, yeah. I don’t like fish.

However coming from an English family, fish dinners were a regular part of the meal repertoire. And my mother is a good cook who knew how to serve fish. And I was a crafty daughter who knew how to miss the fish. She would serve fish pie for dinner, I would be having dinner at the neighbors. It was baked____(some kind of fish) night and I would have to spend all evening studying. I would not eat fish.

As an adult, I still don’t eat fish. In fact, I’m not really sure how to cook the stuff. I know its good for you and that I shouldn’t pass on my picky eating tendencies on to my kids, but its still fish. And I still don’t like it.

So someone please explain to me why the one thing I wanted to eat for Mother’s Day/Our Wedding Anniversary (yes, the same day. Along with it also being my Father-in-law’s birthday. I should explain. Sometime.) was sushi. I love sushi. I could eat it every day. For every meal. I don’t know what the difference is. I guess the rawness eliminates the flakiness? Maybe?It took Hubs and myself all of 15 minutes to demolish this boat. That’s a lot of fish. And a very happy me.

May 9, 2011 Posted by | family life | Leave a comment